The Adventures of Jack and Jill in the Lifestyle

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Swinger Information: More rules of the road

Jack and I had no clue what to expect when we decided to try out our first swingers club. We had actually considered a nudist sort of experience -- even had reservations at a local nudist camp -- and, after a bit of researched, realized that environment was more about, well, nudity, than it was sexuality. And we were definitely looking for sexuality! So we canceled those reservations, did a little more research, and found out about swinging. It sounded interesting, to say the least. :)

In hindsight, the only thing I would change is that I wish we had done even more research. Not so much about the rules of the clubs and event, but about developing our own guidelines. So this entry is meant to give you some advice on the topic.

Before you head out to your first swingers' event, there is a lot you should discuss with your partner. You should set boundaries together before you head out the door, otherwise, even a strong relationship may be headed for disaster.

  • Remember that you are a couple and talk about this before your debut into the swinging world. No matter what you encounter, you're experiencing the lifestyle as a twosome, not a single entity.
  • Discuss each other's emotional needs, as well as your physical needs, so that both of you have a full understanding of what to expect from the other.
  • Develop a plan to deal with uncomfortable situations. Most couples have some sort of secret code that expresses discomfort and acts as a cue that one wants to disengage from a situation. However you decided to handle such situations, take your partner's cues seriously.
  • Take it slow and don't push your partner to go any faster than he or she is willing. The same goes for people you meet along the way. Pushy people are a big turn-off within the lifestyle.
  • Set limits, knowing that they can always be expanded later. It's better to start with too many rules and loosen them later, than it is to jump in with both feet and end up in divorce court!
  • Communicate before, during, and after each event you attend. Jack and I like to plan our nights out, to some degree, whether it's making plans to meet up with certain couples or simply to meet someone new. During the evening, we make sure we take time out for each other, and afterward, we discuss what we did or didn't like and what we might like to do differently next time.
  • Don't expect to play on your first outing because, honestly, your first experiences are likely to be such eye-openers that you may just sit there with a dropped jaw. If nothing else, you can look forward to some seriously head-banging sex when you get home that first night!
  • Remember the "no" means NO rule applies to you and your partner, as well as to other singles and couples. It's just as important that you accept "no" from your partner as it is to accept it from someone you just met. Sometimes we tend to push our partners a little more than we would a stranger, thinking that we know their limits. But especially if the two of you are new to the lifestyle, you must be considerate of your significant other's feelings.
  • Don't forget to have fun! You are, after all, experiencing something new and exciting, and it should be fun for both of you.

Honestly, your first night out, you may have just one idea in mind: Let's just look and see what it's all about. Then, as you go out more and gain experience, you can add to your needs and desires. Just remember that communication is king (and queen)!

Softly yours,