The Adventures of Jack and Jill in the Lifestyle

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Swinger Information: More rules of the road

Jack and I had no clue what to expect when we decided to try out our first swingers club. We had actually considered a nudist sort of experience -- even had reservations at a local nudist camp -- and, after a bit of researched, realized that environment was more about, well, nudity, than it was sexuality. And we were definitely looking for sexuality! So we canceled those reservations, did a little more research, and found out about swinging. It sounded interesting, to say the least. :)

In hindsight, the only thing I would change is that I wish we had done even more research. Not so much about the rules of the clubs and event, but about developing our own guidelines. So this entry is meant to give you some advice on the topic.

Before you head out to your first swingers' event, there is a lot you should discuss with your partner. You should set boundaries together before you head out the door, otherwise, even a strong relationship may be headed for disaster.

  • Remember that you are a couple and talk about this before your debut into the swinging world. No matter what you encounter, you're experiencing the lifestyle as a twosome, not a single entity.
  • Discuss each other's emotional needs, as well as your physical needs, so that both of you have a full understanding of what to expect from the other.
  • Develop a plan to deal with uncomfortable situations. Most couples have some sort of secret code that expresses discomfort and acts as a cue that one wants to disengage from a situation. However you decided to handle such situations, take your partner's cues seriously.
  • Take it slow and don't push your partner to go any faster than he or she is willing. The same goes for people you meet along the way. Pushy people are a big turn-off within the lifestyle.
  • Set limits, knowing that they can always be expanded later. It's better to start with too many rules and loosen them later, than it is to jump in with both feet and end up in divorce court!
  • Communicate before, during, and after each event you attend. Jack and I like to plan our nights out, to some degree, whether it's making plans to meet up with certain couples or simply to meet someone new. During the evening, we make sure we take time out for each other, and afterward, we discuss what we did or didn't like and what we might like to do differently next time.
  • Don't expect to play on your first outing because, honestly, your first experiences are likely to be such eye-openers that you may just sit there with a dropped jaw. If nothing else, you can look forward to some seriously head-banging sex when you get home that first night!
  • Remember the "no" means NO rule applies to you and your partner, as well as to other singles and couples. It's just as important that you accept "no" from your partner as it is to accept it from someone you just met. Sometimes we tend to push our partners a little more than we would a stranger, thinking that we know their limits. But especially if the two of you are new to the lifestyle, you must be considerate of your significant other's feelings.
  • Don't forget to have fun! You are, after all, experiencing something new and exciting, and it should be fun for both of you.

Honestly, your first night out, you may have just one idea in mind: Let's just look and see what it's all about. Then, as you go out more and gain experience, you can add to your needs and desires. Just remember that communication is king (and queen)!

Softly yours,


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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Swinger Information: Couples that stray ...

Many researchers will tell you that homo sapiens aren't meant to be monogamous creatures. In fact, one study shows that as many as 60 percent of those marrying today will end up in divorce. The number one reason is money, followed by infidelity. Joining in the lifestyle won't solve money problems, but it certainly would help with some of the infidelity problem.

Now we're not saying that the lifestyle prevents all infidelity nor that it will cure the divorce rate, as both entering the lifestyle and infidelity are exclusive and complex matters, but infidelity is certainly less likely to occur if your sex life is good and you and your partner have the opportunity to enjoy some level of sexual activity with others.

Personally, I'm not interested in seeing my partner have intercourse with another woman, so that level of contact isn't on my agenda, thought I guess anything is possible some day! LOL! But there are many couples that are into that, and they say that it makes their relationships stronger. Let me emphasize: It makes a strong relationship stronger. If your relationship is failing or weak, now is definitely NOT the time to consider entering the lifestyle!

If, however, your relationship is strong, your sex life is good, you have great communication with your partner, and you want to add a some serious spice, then you should consider it -- together.

Before you get started, there are some basic rules that are ingrained in all participants of the lifestyle:

  1. "No" means NO! This is rule number one, and there are no ifs, ands, or buts, to this statement for all people, events, clubs, parties, etc., within the lifestyle. If you decline an offer to play, the person asking will back off. If you make an advance toward someone, and they say no, you are to back off. Neither will you be attracted to everyone you meet nor will everyone you meet be attracted to you.
  2. Anonynimity is sacred. Just as most people want what happens behind closed doors at home to be between those participating, people in the lifestyle expect the same discretion. Respect people's privacy, and they will respect yours.
  3. Never bring a camera. Unless you are invited to do so and all participants agree, never bring a camera to a lifestyle event, and don't ever use your cell phone's camera to take photos of people.

You'll also want to think about some self-imposed rules before you head out to your first lifestyle event, and those will be the topic of our next post. Please check back, or -- better yet, subscribe -- so you don't miss out on a single post!

Softly yours,


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Friday, April 17, 2009

Swinger Information: Interested in the lifestyle?

Well, let's start out by saying that the majority of swingers are average people that you would never suspect participate in lifestyle events. We are lawyers, office clerks, construction managers, bankers, hair dressers, and just about any other professional you can imagine. We also happen to like sex and are comfortable pushing the envelope on what society considers to be "normal" in this arena.

Second, some definitions may be of help:

  • BI or Bisexual - Someone that enjoys sex with both men and women.
  • Bi-Curious - Someone that is curious, interested in or has had limited Bisexual experience.
  • Exhibitionism - Showing off in public, involving nudity.
  • Full Swap - A couple that enjoys sexual pleasure with others that includes anything up to AND including intercourse.
  • Play or playing - Having sexual contact with your significant other and/or another person or people.
  • Soft Swing/Swingers - A couple that enjoys sexual pleasure with others that includes anything up to but not including intercourse.
  • Unicorn - Slang for a single, generally bi-sexual, female that participates in the lifestyle. Referred to as a "unicorn" because they are so rare.
  • Voyeur or Voyeurism - One who enjoys watching.

There are many other definitions, but we're starting out with the basics here. I believe there is a misconception that "swingers" are people who swap partners, period. And perhaps the original definition was finite in this meaning. The fact is, however, that many people who participate in lifestyle events participate without swapping partners.

My partner and I are such a couple. I am a bi female and he is a straight male. I enjoy sexual contact with both women and men (or, to be more specific, my man). I think that women are incredibly sexy creatures. I like watching them, touching them, and playing with them -- and I especially enjoy performing cunnilingus! I and my partner don't think this makes me a deviate ... it's just something else that I enjoy in the sexual realm. He, on the other hand, is quite straight and has no desire to share physical contact with another male. I can assure you, however, that he enjoys watching my interaction with other females!!

As this is our first blog entry, there are so many more things to write about! Adventures in and out of the bedroom; rules of the road, so to speak; clubs to review; and lots more. Please check back, or -- better yet, subscribe -- so you don't miss out on a single post!

Softly yours,


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